alia. We had not seen him for awhile because he had work and other obligations, but on this night, he blew off his girlfriend to hang with the boys. Like a late-night Santa Claus, he came into HQ and gave Sam one of his favorite things, a cold beer. Then, he offered Ben some brew, but Ben was detoxing for the night. Instead of applauding Ben’s discipline, The Real Deal made fun of Ben for not having the balls to drink. At this point, Sam and I knew The Real Deal came to play tonight. Unfortunately, Neil did not come with his driving skills. We hopped into his car and thought we were headed to the Tav, but he must have missed the turn to go to the Tav parking lot a thousand times. I felt like I was in the car with Stevie Wonder at the wheel. Finally, he made it to the parking lot, which had at least thirty open spaces, but none of them seemed ‘good enough for him.’ After five minutes of playing car park wandering, he starts to reverse into one of the million open spots there.“Stop, Stop, Stop!”
(Neil keeps backing up in silence)
“Stop, Stop, There’s a cement pillar!”
Crash
“Nice, Shooting Tex! You managed to hit the one giant cement column within hundred meters”
Unfazed, Neil does not say a word or even step on the brakes. The car bounces off the post like it was a game of bumper cars. After the aided re-direction, Neil decides to park right next to the campus security car stationed at the smaller lot across the way. If I was in Neil’s position, I would not have chosen to park next to the 5-0, but that is why we praise individuality. Sam, Will, Eric and I hustled out of the car and dragged Neil with us up the hill to the Tav’s gates.
Inside, Will was kicked out five minutes after he walked in. If you are wonderin
g why the security would let him in to only boot him out, tell me "why does an 8 foot Wookie live on the same planet as two-foot Ewoks? It does not make sense" (South Park season 2 episode 14). However, Will was not in the mood to have ugly, stupid, judgmental, irrational, un-American dudes end his night’s fun (and no, I am not describing the creators of the Arizona’s new immigration bill). He runs back to his flat, borrows a bunch of his roommates clothes and minutes later triumphantly re-enters the bar. The security guards did not recognize Will because for once he was not wearing any button-downs or khakis (his clothes are so preppy that he makes the attire at an Ivy League social seem ghetto). Will’s daring move proves that you can try
to kick people out because of how they look, but looks can be deceiving and they will find a way back in if they want to (again this has nothing to do with immigration laws).I, on the other hand, was having a great time on the dance floor away from all of the politics going on in the bar. While I was throwing out every move I could think of, I ran into the people that think I look like Seth Rogen. Although I never understood or liked this comparison, they seemed to like Seth Rogen, so I quickly became a Knocked Up sandwich on the middle of the dance floor. I thought my fun was about to come to a sudden halt as I felt the all too familiar tap on the shoulder. To my surprise, the security guard wanted to give me a hi-five and I vigorously slapped his hand. I guess you could say I acted like the majority of Americans who overlook certain political decisions and blindly support our politicians while other people struggle for their rights.
The next day was Atlee’s birthday and her parents generously gave her some money to buy booze for her party; as a result, all of us came running to this event. During the party, Carly was attempting to run the BBQ but grill-master is not a flattering hat on her. She was putting hot dogs in plastic cups, fumbling around with the tongs and doing God knows what else over there. It was like watching a five year old try to fly an airplane: disastrous. Her roommate
mercifully relieved her of her duties and saved what was left of the food. Later, the housing assistant asked us to disperse because we were making too much noise and then made up some rule about how only 12 people ar
e allowed in the flat at once. Considering eight people live there, that means that if one of them wants to have one friend over, then they must check in with everyone else, so that they do not surpass this imaginary quota. In response, Benny, not Sherry, says, “Fuck the Police!” We all tried hard not to laugh and tell Benny to shut up, but it was useless. The H.A. pretended not to hear it, finished her rant and stormed off.Realizing that it was time to get out of dodge before the H.A. came for reinforcements, half of us hopped into a Maxi Taxi, while the other half to stay and watch wasted Rikke chase Harry. Rikke was planning to go out to the clubs, but capitalized too much on Atlee’s free booze and believed that she was catlike enough to catch Harry. If she was sober, she could not touch Harry in a phone booth, so being extremely drunk did not improve her chances. Randy Marsh had more of a possibility of catching the pink dragon than Rikke had at tackling Da One
and Only. It was thoroughly entertaining to watch.I decided to be part of the group that went to the Claremont Club because I had already predicted the ending to Rikke’s hunt, and felt it only appropriate to go out with Atlee since she had bought all that booze for us. My only hesitation about going out was that I did not want to do anything stupid and end up spending heaps of Australian monopoly money. Initially, things were going well as the cab only cost me five dollars and I was outside for most of the time talking to one of the dancers I had met from the Danny Green a few weeks back. However, once her friend pulled her away, it marked the beginning of my end. I went back inside to fin
d the rest of the group, but I could not find them anywhere. I searched the club for an hour before conceding that they had left me. Since I was desperately trying not to spend money, I convinced myself I could walk home. This bright idea lasted three blocks because I was extremely far away from Curtin. As I pondered my next move, I realized that if I waited a few hours at a bus stop, the morning bus would come and take me to Curtin. While sitting at the stop, I thought it would be acceptable if I closed my eyes for a few minutes. Even though Perth is not Compton, it is never a smart idea to sleep in public unless you are homeless. Around an hour later, I woke up and could not find my phone. I searched the ground fastidiously for it, but in vain. Angry at myself for losing my phone, I walked back to Claremont, bought a ten dollar kebab and rode home in a cab by myself. I set out to be part of Atlee’s celebration, minimize my spending and not make any retarded decisions. I ended up 0-3 on the night and looked to Dustin Pedroia to give me advice on how to end my slump. He said, “Laser Show. Relax.” Then, I told him to go fuck himself because he does not make a word of sense.For every story of misfortune, there is a story of miraculously triumph. Blake had lost his passport last Sunday at the Cott and was about to apply for a new one the next day. Fortunately, his roommate Lorenzo happened to be leaving the club at the exact same time that the cab that Blake rode home in on Sunday was pulling up to Claremont. Lorenzo then just happened to choose this one cab out of the dozens that were there to take home. On the ride back, Lorenzo mentioned that he went to school in America and the cab driver remembered that he had been holding onto an American passport that was left in his cab five days ago. He gave it to Lorenzo who then gave it to Blake upon returning to Vickery, completing this most improbable series of events.
Waking up on Friday, I felt terrible and needed to re-evaluate my life. My first step was
to cut my hair because although I wanted some flow, I had to get back to my roots. Nothing better symbolized this rebirth than taking after Kenny Powers from Eastbound and Down. Sam had wanted to give me a mullet for the last month and jumped on the chance to finally put his wish to fruition. In order to do a proper Kenny Powers mullet, you have to get yourself into character. To do this, we bought two blocks of Emu Export, the PBR of Australian beer, played beer pong for the first time in HQ and watched Eastbound and Down to make sure that my mullet would be done right. After many episodes and many beers, I had obtained the Kenny Powers rebel persona.Since the new season of Eastbound and Down is being filmed in Mexico, Cinco de Mayo seemed like the perfect time to wear all black and express my r-Rage. I put on my black button down, black pants and black shades and walked into the Tav with authority. The Tav initially did not mess with Kenny Powers, but they messed with everyone else. Ben, Blake and Sam were booted from the Tav within minutes of entering and followed a few minutes later by Will, who was celebrating his 21st bir
thday. The Tav security must have real hated Mexico because they were kicking people, especially those with dirty ‘staches, out of there left and right. Our Best Mate who is from Australia was not asked to leave the bar even though he threw up a tequila shot in the middle of the Tav, cut his head open after falling over and had blood running down his face. Looking Mexican is much more threatening to the sanctity of the bar than bleeding and puking all over it. The unjust and premature exits of everyone made the Tav no fun because more people were outside than inside (Once again I am not referring to the fact that if the US forces all the immigrants out of the country, the US would be worse off because there would be no one to do the cheap labor that is essential to the success of the American economy). Eventually, after being harassed several times, I was officially shut out of the Tav for the night.Back at Vickery, Blake, Ben, Nick and Sam did not let some disgruntled and sexually repressed bouncers ruin their night. Ben, who was the one person who was admittedly too drunk for the bar, passed out in the flat. Sam found a Magic Marker and the images and video attached will show his artistry.
Happy 21st to Will, Feliz Cinco de Mayo a Todos and Happy Mother’s Day! Everyone remember to do something extremely nice for mom this Sunday. Be sure to show them your affection for everything that they do. Also, Galligan made some plays like he always does and as result, I will be up in High Rise 603 next year. If you are near me, let me know. Good Luck everyone at Trinity on their finals- the week sucks but summer is right around the corner. With that said, Bay to Breakers is coming up in a week and if you can get to the city for it, do it because it is one of the best days of the year. The Kenny Powers mullet had served its purpose and his now gone. I am back to my stud short hair and hoping that it will drive the Aussie girls crazy.
This Has been Based on a True Story. The Mother-Fuckin' End.
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