Sydney’s Dad took us out for a dinner that set the tone for a great week. We went to this Italian restaurant called Ciao Italia and we had a good feeling that it was going to be delicious because it had a line out the door on a Tuesday night. While we waited for a table, Nick, Blake and I ran to Cellarbrations to grab some grog. Even though they did not have a BYOB policy, the place was so busy that we figured they would not notice if we brought in a 24 pack of Pure Blonde bottles and a bottle of win
e. When we were finally seated, we wasted no time in ordering five unbelievable pizzas. Four of them were a combination of fine Italians meats, fresh tomato sauce, peppers, onions, mushrooms, and the right amount of cheese on a thin, flaky crust. The fifth one was a calzone that was the size and shape of Hey Arnolds Head and it came along with a side of the most succulent and flavorful bruschetta imaginable. The seven of us demolished all of it faster than Lindsey Lohan destroyed her career and left the restaurant completely full, but at the same time still wanting more.
The dinner could not come out of a better time because I had come straight from my Tuesday night vampire class. I actually was excited to attend that class because for homework the previous night I had watched Francis Ford Coppola’s Dracula with Keanu Reeves, Winoa Ryder and Anthony Hopkins. On a side note, if you need a laugh, rent this movie and appreciate how out of pocket Keanu Reeves is at speaking in a serious British accent. Ev
ery time he says anything, his desire to follow it up with surfer lingo like Dude! Or Brah!, is palpable. During class, I hoped to talk about this or something else interesting, but instead I had to listen to the most nerdy and pointless debates. I don’t give a fuck if Ripley, Sigourney Weaver’s character in the Alien series, should have been given to a male actor, get a fucking life! The best part of losing three hours of my life to listening to this absurdity was the fact that Blake, Harry, Ben and Sam watched Crocodile Dundee in their class. Great class choice on my part, right? Therefore, nothing helped me forget about my min
d-numbing afternoon like those delicious pizzas.
The next day I headed back to the pool to get in some exercise and woo the girl who works there. Unfortunately, she was not working that day, but I did buy a membership, so lucky for her, she is going to see me often. After my swim and my six hours of Wednesday classes, it was time to embrace Hump day Wednesdays at the Tav. As usual the Tav was full of 10$ pitchers, people gettin’ wild on the dance floor and guys like us Sup Chickin’ all the beautiful girls there. One thing of note was that an Australian bloke bet Sam that he could not chug the rest of his pitcher. Challenging Sam to any beer challenge is like racing against Usain Bolt in a sprint, you are going to lose. Sherry was quick to encourage Sam to take the bet as a matter of national pride and being one of the best beer-drinking Americans our country has to offer, Sam finished the jug easy and sent the Aussie away to buy him his well-earned free drinks.
Back at Don Watts, we faced some harassment from the Curtin Campo. We were having our usual after party when the Campus security came up to us and accused us of smoking weed. The troll lady in charge said she smelled it and there was no discussion about it, but, oh, was she wrong on both accounts. Not only was she inventing this charge, but we wanted to let her know how erroneous her claim was and additionally how incompetent she was as a security guard and person in general. Sherry was telling her off with some force wh
en reinforcements arrived to calm the situation. Realizing that we had made our point, I went to persuade Ben to relax and go back inside before the new security man did anything drastic. In fact, the new Campo was nice to us and mediated the situation extremely well. As we walked back, we thought this guy was on our side, but he was just a deceitful s.o.b. Five minutes later, he returned with a mob of security and said we all have to leave due to a recent noise complaint. That makes perfect sense. They could not catch us on a made up charge and then all of a sudden someone called in to complain about the noise. This area is filled with college students, not real life employees, so it is highly unlikely that anyone would call in to security. The second time these crooked communist campus cops visited HQ, I immediately walked home. It was a good thing I did because in the morning everyone who stayed received some sort of unjustified punishment. Three of the people there were banned from KV and Norm Johnson, the head of KV, had a scream fest at the members of Don Watts 49. 
Shaken by these condemnations, I decided it would be a smart idea to bring karma to our side and participate in World’s Greatest Shave, a leukemia foundation fund raiser. It was a fun experience because people were sponsored to have their head shaved and/or hair dyed. Considering I have worked so long and hard on my sweet flow, I could not shave it but I did have it dyed with the American flag. The volunteers shaving and coloring the hair were professionals so they were able to spray on a red and blue background with white stars mixed in. I actually hoped it would stay on longer than one wash because it felt refreshing to show off some American patriotism in this foreign land. Later I went around campus asking for donations for the cause
because a few hours early Harry had set the record that day for the most money collected. I could not let Harry out fund-raise me, so I made a few campus loops asking anyone I could to spare whatever they had. I used every technique from positive self-affirmations i.e. “Who wants to feel good about themselves today?” to guilt trips like “Hold on to that dollar, the leukemia patients will be dead soon anyway.” Despite my heroic efforts, the change I collected could not surpass the extraordinary amount that Da 1 and Only raised, which leads me to the conclusion that he must have cheated.
Friday was the day of the Beach Bash and we were all extremely excited. Beach Bash is the Tav’s version of Psi U’s Tropical and it is one of the biggest parties of the semester. The whole student center is opened up and covered with sand, inflatable palm trees and Jacuzzis
(don’t worry we went nowhere near those cesspools because if I happened to fall in I would still be showering). Before heading to the party, we went to Vickery to pre-game because HQ was too risqué after Wednesday night. For the first time in a while we pre-gamed by playing some drinking games with the cards that came with the Red Devil. When participating in these festivities, one person always ends up drinking way more than everyone else because the luck of the draw is against him. Unfortunately, in this case, I was that guy. Halfway through the game, I had to run and grab some beers because I physically could not drink anymore goon without needing to throw up. Additionally, I hoped when I came back my luck would change, but it did not and I quickly went through most of the beers I had bought. When Carly asked if anyone wanted to go early to the Tav, I jumped on that opportunity because otherwise I would not have made it out that night. Amazingly, they let me in the party even though I was hammered drunk. As soon as they let me in, I was whisked away to the foam pit by the group I came with and we started to go crazy in it. I did not stay in the foam long, because Benny Boy took control of that area. At one point his face emerged in the midst of all the foam, gave us a huge grin and then went back in. All we could see was his hands waving around frantically after that.
The other great thing about Beach Bash is that it is swimsuit wear so not only are girls in bikinis and/or short shorts, it was perfectly acceptable to be shirtless. In Australia, especially, girls love to see me without a shirt, so I was using this strategy to my full advantage that night (conversely it is half the reason why I am asked to play shirts optional volleyball at KV every week). To describe to you what it was like for me, I will relate Nick’s recap of seeing me that night.
He said, “you were walking around and just grabbing the hands of random girls and talking to them, regardless if they were in other conversations or not, and they seemed to love it.”
Like all good things though, my possibly glorious night came to a crashing halt. I found these two girls in bikinis, a blond and brunette, and I could see it in their eyes that they e
njoyed my company and wanted to have a few drinks with me. Hoping to capitalize on this golden opportunity, we headed to the bar and the girls gave me some blue tokens to use. I did not really know what they were but I gave the bartender a bunch of those and some cash for our drinks.
She told me that I did not have enough, so I threw down another ten. She then said, “you need more blue tokens.”
“What?” I replied. “Why won’t you accept my money? You are a bartender, you should love my money.”
“Cash is not acceptable.”
“Are you kidding me? Don’t make me look bad here. I have money and all I want is a few drinks. Help me out here, don’t be a cockblock.”
Not loving my response, she turned around disgusted and pointed to the security. I probably should not have said that, but I did not know why she was being so difficult. Then, a mob of security came and escorted me out of the Tav. I did everything I could to plead, sneak and fight my way back in because I had forgotten the names of the girls and had not exchanged any contact info. Defeated I sluggishly walked back to the KV BBQ area where the people who did not go to the Beach Bash were partying. The people down there lifted my spirits because they provided me with free vodka shots and beers. Feeling loose again and hungry, I ran into my dorm and I came out with tons of food. I made about ten cheeseburgers, a plethora of chicken skewers and few grilled cheeses with the left over bread and cheese. I could not see too well when I cooked all that food, so I probably ate a ton of raw meat, but it tasted scrumptious and everyone appreciated my generosity. In this way, I may have lost my nut, but I did go to bed with some satisfaction.
While I was doing my thing in KV, the other yugs went Erica Underwood to hang out after the Tav. They were drinking goons and
beers and swapping stories until the early morning. One of the guys with them told everyone that he had had sex with over 120 girls and of the last 20 he did 14 of them in the behind since he did not respect those women. That is a pretty high number, so I guess we have a great deal of work ahead of us.
After using Saturday to recover and get our lives back together, we headed to a house of Sydney’s family friend for lunch. Like gentlemen, we brought her a bottle of champagne and our own booze, which she greatly appreciated. Her son’s British friends that came over were not as generous and she was not impressed with those Pommies, an Aussie term for English folk. Then she brought out three courses of food that ended the week just as delicious as it started at Ciao Italia. She served us calamari, popcorn prawns, lamb, roasted potatoes and finished it with a passion fruit pavlova, which is a meringue-type Aussie dessert. During lunch we talked with the Pommies about how the US was going to beat England in the upcoming World Cup (Beckham will not be bending anything this year as he injured himself and is out for the tournament) and watched some weird YouTube videos. It started with them showing us a man entering a convenience store and subsequently chugging an entire bottle of Patron tequila. We kept clicking on the related videos and watched a man crush three beers in three seconds and then a man put an entire beer can in his mouth. Finally, we ended this visual binge when we clicked on the World’s Largest Tongue because that was downright gross.
When all the Pommies left, we drove up the hill to a Bowls Club. This activity is a perfect for Sunday afternoons because it is slow, you can buy relatively cheap pints and the club had an amazing view of the Swan River. The game is played by like bocce ball, but you roll weighted balls that curve either left or right on a lawn. Sydney acted like he was the best at the game, but when we had the knockout tournament he was the first one out. After a devastating loss on the last bowl in my semifinal versus Blake, Ben beat Blake in the championship to r
epresent for Wayland High Athletics. Then, we were supposed to meet up with the Pommies for a Sunday Sesh at a bar that served ten dollar jugs, but they texted us that the pub ran out of beer, so that removed all the interest we had to go there. Exhausted from a long weekend, we drove back home to cook some dinner and go to bed.
Before I sign off, I want everyone to enjoy themselves this weekend because it is one of the best times of the year. Wednesday is St Patrick’s Day and I expect everyone to wake up with a beer and consistently crush until you are pissed as. This Irish drunk fest is followed by four days of non-stop heart-stopping basketball. Hopefully your brackets can last the weekend and avoid being busted like Sly Stallone’s face in Rocky. Down Under we may not be able to watch many games, so we expect everyone back at home to drink and watch the games for us. Do not let us down.
e. When we were finally seated, we wasted no time in ordering five unbelievable pizzas. Four of them were a combination of fine Italians meats, fresh tomato sauce, peppers, onions, mushrooms, and the right amount of cheese on a thin, flaky crust. The fifth one was a calzone that was the size and shape of Hey Arnolds Head and it came along with a side of the most succulent and flavorful bruschetta imaginable. The seven of us demolished all of it faster than Lindsey Lohan destroyed her career and left the restaurant completely full, but at the same time still wanting more.The dinner could not come out of a better time because I had come straight from my Tuesday night vampire class. I actually was excited to attend that class because for homework the previous night I had watched Francis Ford Coppola’s Dracula with Keanu Reeves, Winoa Ryder and Anthony Hopkins. On a side note, if you need a laugh, rent this movie and appreciate how out of pocket Keanu Reeves is at speaking in a serious British accent. Ev
ery time he says anything, his desire to follow it up with surfer lingo like Dude! Or Brah!, is palpable. During class, I hoped to talk about this or something else interesting, but instead I had to listen to the most nerdy and pointless debates. I don’t give a fuck if Ripley, Sigourney Weaver’s character in the Alien series, should have been given to a male actor, get a fucking life! The best part of losing three hours of my life to listening to this absurdity was the fact that Blake, Harry, Ben and Sam watched Crocodile Dundee in their class. Great class choice on my part, right? Therefore, nothing helped me forget about my min
d-numbing afternoon like those delicious pizzas.The next day I headed back to the pool to get in some exercise and woo the girl who works there. Unfortunately, she was not working that day, but I did buy a membership, so lucky for her, she is going to see me often. After my swim and my six hours of Wednesday classes, it was time to embrace Hump day Wednesdays at the Tav. As usual the Tav was full of 10$ pitchers, people gettin’ wild on the dance floor and guys like us Sup Chickin’ all the beautiful girls there. One thing of note was that an Australian bloke bet Sam that he could not chug the rest of his pitcher. Challenging Sam to any beer challenge is like racing against Usain Bolt in a sprint, you are going to lose. Sherry was quick to encourage Sam to take the bet as a matter of national pride and being one of the best beer-drinking Americans our country has to offer, Sam finished the jug easy and sent the Aussie away to buy him his well-earned free drinks.
Back at Don Watts, we faced some harassment from the Curtin Campo. We were having our usual after party when the Campus security came up to us and accused us of smoking weed. The troll lady in charge said she smelled it and there was no discussion about it, but, oh, was she wrong on both accounts. Not only was she inventing this charge, but we wanted to let her know how erroneous her claim was and additionally how incompetent she was as a security guard and person in general. Sherry was telling her off with some force wh
en reinforcements arrived to calm the situation. Realizing that we had made our point, I went to persuade Ben to relax and go back inside before the new security man did anything drastic. In fact, the new Campo was nice to us and mediated the situation extremely well. As we walked back, we thought this guy was on our side, but he was just a deceitful s.o.b. Five minutes later, he returned with a mob of security and said we all have to leave due to a recent noise complaint. That makes perfect sense. They could not catch us on a made up charge and then all of a sudden someone called in to complain about the noise. This area is filled with college students, not real life employees, so it is highly unlikely that anyone would call in to security. The second time these crooked communist campus cops visited HQ, I immediately walked home. It was a good thing I did because in the morning everyone who stayed received some sort of unjustified punishment. Three of the people there were banned from KV and Norm Johnson, the head of KV, had a scream fest at the members of Don Watts 49. Shaken by these condemnations, I decided it would be a smart idea to bring karma to our side and participate in World’s Greatest Shave, a leukemia foundation fund raiser. It was a fun experience because people were sponsored to have their head shaved and/or hair dyed. Considering I have worked so long and hard on my sweet flow, I could not shave it but I did have it dyed with the American flag. The volunteers shaving and coloring the hair were professionals so they were able to spray on a red and blue background with white stars mixed in. I actually hoped it would stay on longer than one wash because it felt refreshing to show off some American patriotism in this foreign land. Later I went around campus asking for donations for the cause
because a few hours early Harry had set the record that day for the most money collected. I could not let Harry out fund-raise me, so I made a few campus loops asking anyone I could to spare whatever they had. I used every technique from positive self-affirmations i.e. “Who wants to feel good about themselves today?” to guilt trips like “Hold on to that dollar, the leukemia patients will be dead soon anyway.” Despite my heroic efforts, the change I collected could not surpass the extraordinary amount that Da 1 and Only raised, which leads me to the conclusion that he must have cheated.Friday was the day of the Beach Bash and we were all extremely excited. Beach Bash is the Tav’s version of Psi U’s Tropical and it is one of the biggest parties of the semester. The whole student center is opened up and covered with sand, inflatable palm trees and Jacuzzis
(don’t worry we went nowhere near those cesspools because if I happened to fall in I would still be showering). Before heading to the party, we went to Vickery to pre-game because HQ was too risqué after Wednesday night. For the first time in a while we pre-gamed by playing some drinking games with the cards that came with the Red Devil. When participating in these festivities, one person always ends up drinking way more than everyone else because the luck of the draw is against him. Unfortunately, in this case, I was that guy. Halfway through the game, I had to run and grab some beers because I physically could not drink anymore goon without needing to throw up. Additionally, I hoped when I came back my luck would change, but it did not and I quickly went through most of the beers I had bought. When Carly asked if anyone wanted to go early to the Tav, I jumped on that opportunity because otherwise I would not have made it out that night. Amazingly, they let me in the party even though I was hammered drunk. As soon as they let me in, I was whisked away to the foam pit by the group I came with and we started to go crazy in it. I did not stay in the foam long, because Benny Boy took control of that area. At one point his face emerged in the midst of all the foam, gave us a huge grin and then went back in. All we could see was his hands waving around frantically after that.The other great thing about Beach Bash is that it is swimsuit wear so not only are girls in bikinis and/or short shorts, it was perfectly acceptable to be shirtless. In Australia, especially, girls love to see me without a shirt, so I was using this strategy to my full advantage that night (conversely it is half the reason why I am asked to play shirts optional volleyball at KV every week). To describe to you what it was like for me, I will relate Nick’s recap of seeing me that night.
He said, “you were walking around and just grabbing the hands of random girls and talking to them, regardless if they were in other conversations or not, and they seemed to love it.”
Like all good things though, my possibly glorious night came to a crashing halt. I found these two girls in bikinis, a blond and brunette, and I could see it in their eyes that they e
njoyed my company and wanted to have a few drinks with me. Hoping to capitalize on this golden opportunity, we headed to the bar and the girls gave me some blue tokens to use. I did not really know what they were but I gave the bartender a bunch of those and some cash for our drinks.She told me that I did not have enough, so I threw down another ten. She then said, “you need more blue tokens.”
“What?” I replied. “Why won’t you accept my money? You are a bartender, you should love my money.”
“Cash is not acceptable.”
“Are you kidding me? Don’t make me look bad here. I have money and all I want is a few drinks. Help me out here, don’t be a cockblock.”
Not loving my response, she turned around disgusted and pointed to the security. I probably should not have said that, but I did not know why she was being so difficult. Then, a mob of security came and escorted me out of the Tav. I did everything I could to plead, sneak and fight my way back in because I had forgotten the names of the girls and had not exchanged any contact info. Defeated I sluggishly walked back to the KV BBQ area where the people who did not go to the Beach Bash were partying. The people down there lifted my spirits because they provided me with free vodka shots and beers. Feeling loose again and hungry, I ran into my dorm and I came out with tons of food. I made about ten cheeseburgers, a plethora of chicken skewers and few grilled cheeses with the left over bread and cheese. I could not see too well when I cooked all that food, so I probably ate a ton of raw meat, but it tasted scrumptious and everyone appreciated my generosity. In this way, I may have lost my nut, but I did go to bed with some satisfaction.
While I was doing my thing in KV, the other yugs went Erica Underwood to hang out after the Tav. They were drinking goons and
beers and swapping stories until the early morning. One of the guys with them told everyone that he had had sex with over 120 girls and of the last 20 he did 14 of them in the behind since he did not respect those women. That is a pretty high number, so I guess we have a great deal of work ahead of us.After using Saturday to recover and get our lives back together, we headed to a house of Sydney’s family friend for lunch. Like gentlemen, we brought her a bottle of champagne and our own booze, which she greatly appreciated. Her son’s British friends that came over were not as generous and she was not impressed with those Pommies, an Aussie term for English folk. Then she brought out three courses of food that ended the week just as delicious as it started at Ciao Italia. She served us calamari, popcorn prawns, lamb, roasted potatoes and finished it with a passion fruit pavlova, which is a meringue-type Aussie dessert. During lunch we talked with the Pommies about how the US was going to beat England in the upcoming World Cup (Beckham will not be bending anything this year as he injured himself and is out for the tournament) and watched some weird YouTube videos. It started with them showing us a man entering a convenience store and subsequently chugging an entire bottle of Patron tequila. We kept clicking on the related videos and watched a man crush three beers in three seconds and then a man put an entire beer can in his mouth. Finally, we ended this visual binge when we clicked on the World’s Largest Tongue because that was downright gross.
When all the Pommies left, we drove up the hill to a Bowls Club. This activity is a perfect for Sunday afternoons because it is slow, you can buy relatively cheap pints and the club had an amazing view of the Swan River. The game is played by like bocce ball, but you roll weighted balls that curve either left or right on a lawn. Sydney acted like he was the best at the game, but when we had the knockout tournament he was the first one out. After a devastating loss on the last bowl in my semifinal versus Blake, Ben beat Blake in the championship to r
epresent for Wayland High Athletics. Then, we were supposed to meet up with the Pommies for a Sunday Sesh at a bar that served ten dollar jugs, but they texted us that the pub ran out of beer, so that removed all the interest we had to go there. Exhausted from a long weekend, we drove back home to cook some dinner and go to bed.Before I sign off, I want everyone to enjoy themselves this weekend because it is one of the best times of the year. Wednesday is St Patrick’s Day and I expect everyone to wake up with a beer and consistently crush until you are pissed as. This Irish drunk fest is followed by four days of non-stop heart-stopping basketball. Hopefully your brackets can last the weekend and avoid being busted like Sly Stallone’s face in Rocky. Down Under we may not be able to watch many games, so we expect everyone back at home to drink and watch the games for us. Do not let us down.
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